


Letting go

by ForbbidenFruit



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Break Up, Confusion, M/M, Steve Feels, Steve's Pov, not really romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-30
Updated: 2014-04-30
Packaged: 2018-01-21 08:50:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1544876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForbbidenFruit/pseuds/ForbbidenFruit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But Bucky was his responsibility, he owed it to him. he will find him. And not even Tony could come with him this time; at least that was what Steve had thought at the time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letting go

**Author's Note:**

> I was really planning to make this fic longer, as long as I could and while keeping my sanity. But at last, real life will soon meddle in my blessed state of laziness. So it was this one shot or no fic at all, with the messy writing for all the hurried attempt to finish it and obvious attempt to cramp too much in so few words even myself I'm regretting this fic, it's unbetaed, all horrific mistakes are mine. Anyway, it's done. This is my first time using AO3, I don't really know what I'm doing, you've been warned, proceed with caution. ;)

Steve woke up slowly, the first thing he became aware of was of that hard body against his, that nicely shaped back and amazing neck. He put his nose in the back of that neck, he breathed deeply, the smell was different, there was something missing. In fact, the body was a lot more muscled than he remembered. His hands moved to that body’s hair, it didn’t feel as soft as he’s used to, as he knows it should be. This hair has been a lot more exposed to the sun. It hadn’t been neglected exactly, but it felt wrong to be Tony’s hair. Tony took great care of his hair after all.

He let his hand wander to the lower back, slowly sliding his hand, up and down, finally deciding to reach for the shoulder, and coming against metal. Metal? Oh right, Bucky! It felt like a bucket of cold water, pulling him cruelly out of his fantasies. God! This day made a week, a week since he’s been waking up still thinking he’s with Tony. He was with Bucky now, he needed to remember that. It wasn’t fair to Bucky. And he had been the one who had ended things with Tony, he didn’t have the right to miss him. 

Sighing he got up, carefully getting out of bed, trying not to wake his deeply asleep partner. He went lazily into the kitchen, turning on the coffeemaker just like he did every day since he moved in to this apartment. It was stupid, it was an habit he still hadn’t been able to get rid of, he didn’t drink the thing, he preferred tea and Bucky hated the taste of it. But Tony has always loved coffee, yeah, Tony loves coffee.

He toasted some bread and got himself a glass of orange juice. The juice was probably a little stale, neither Bucky nor him really care about groceries. He ate quickly, not really tasting. When he finally finished his measly breakfast it was time to go on his morning run, going to the closet where he kept his training clothes, changing quickly and leaving the apartment he was soon on his way to do his morning exercise.

Steve decided to go to his favorite park, it was more than big enough, and running has always been a nice way to start the day. Even if these days that insistent voice in his head kept telling him he really just wanted to distract himself of all the wrongness he felt in his life. But some days it was impossible to forget, impossible to ignore and as it so happens this was one of those days, the harder he run the more he remembered.

It’s been already two months since he started living with Bucky, five since he went searching for him and three since he saw Tony for the last time, face to face at least. After all the mess with the winter soldier, finding Bucky was alive and to know he was being used by Hydra had made him realize he needed to help him; he’d leave as soon as he could, he decided. He had gone to Tony, apologetic but not changing his mind, and simply told him he was leaving, that he needed to find Bucky, to help him.

He never knew what Tony saw on his face that day; he probably just realized the futility of trying to change his mind that he simply said “I’ll go with you”. Steve was surprised, but it was so like Tony to offer his help without question. But Bucky was his responsibility, he owed it to him. he will find him. And not even Tony could come with him this time; at least that was what Steve had thought at the time. 

So he refused Tony’s help. And Tony, his beautiful Tony, so misunderstood most of the time seemed to understand him so well that even with the concern shining bright in his eyes told him “Be safe Steve, I love you”. With that encouragement Steve left without looking back.

It took two months and a half, of tailing, fake leads, misleading clues, fighting, pain and tears for him to find Bucky and getting his memories back. Surprisingly few time given the circumstances. They had been lucky.

Having Bucky right there in front of him, alive, breathing, and finally himself made him feel as if he could take over the world, as if he’d burst with happiness. Something had shifted inside Steve, he was finally complete. The emptiness he had been feeling until then fading away slowly. When Bucky kissed him, he didn’t deny him and he let himself go.

The next morning even with the guilt eating at his soul, he felt a peace that he hadn’t felt in a long time. The kind of peace that made up for any hardships that might be on the way. He loved Bucky, Bucky loved him. He had decided he was going to end it with Tony. It wouldn’t be fair to Tony, to keep leading him on. At that time, he really thought he was doing the right thing, the decision he wanted to make.  
He remembered clearly, after making his decision, he went to Stark Tower. He felt excited, he told himself it was because the avengers were people that were important to him, they were his friends. And Tony was a part of the team that was all.

To his disappointment, everybody was out except for Tony; apparently he was working in his workshop. Steve smiled to himself; thank God some things don’t change. He climbed down the stairs, slowly, he wasn’t exactly eager to do what he had to do, what he had decided to do. 

He stood right there, in front of the crystal wall, he could see Tony from here, dressed in dark loose jeans, a black tank top and gray sneakers. He had oil in his jeans, arms and face. He looked tired but gorgeous. He froze where he stood, drinking in the sight of him. His heart was beating too fast, too hard; it felt like it would explode, he wasn’t ready to let Tony go. He didn’t know if he would ever be ready, but he had to, he had to… He just, just gotten used to Tony, yeah he just got used to him. He loved Bucky, yeah, he loved Bucky. He just had to remember that. He repeated it a few times to himself and moved forward.

Entering his code, the door to the workshop opened with a small hiss, Tony looked up startled, he obviously hadn’t been aware of his presence. The big smile Tony sent his way made his heart skip a beat, Tony run to his arms and hugged him hard. Steve breathed him in, Tony felt right in his arms and he smelled of sweat, metal and coconut with a mix of coffee, it was perfect. He didn’t know how much time passed while they hugged but he knew it was wrong, he wasn’t supposed to be hugging Tony like this, it didn’t matter how right it felt, this wasn’t a hug between friends this was a lover’s hug. He would not use Tony to indulge himself anymore, he gently pushed him away.

The big smile Tony had had since he came into the room swiftly disappeared as soon as he saw Steve’s face. Tony knew him so well; Tony has always known him so well. 

At Tony’s worried “What’s wrong Steve?” Steve broke and told him everything. Seeing Tony’s unbelieving eyes turn gradually into hurt almost made him take everything back, he wanted so bad to tell him he was lying, to tell him that it was only a cruel joke. He desperately wanted to take that hurt back from those eyes. But Tony didn’t give him the chance, the hurt disappeared so fast making way to softness and an understanding Steve will never be able to understand and that made him feel even lower than the ground he was currently lying on. He could see Tony’s love and an acceptance he could only dream to match someday. And Tony uttered the words, those words he just knew he’d remember for the rest of his life, haunting him, making him feel cold, miserable and leaving him with an unquenchable guilt, “He’s the love of your life, be happy Steve” It was said with the sweetest tone Steve has ever heard from Tony, so definitive, it was a goodbye, it was the end. 

Steve shocked opened his mouth, to apologize, to explain himself or to deny it, he wasn’t sure, but Tony didn’t let him, he could see Tony’s face already closing up and his expression turning cold “I’ll send you your things when they’re ready, let me know the address through Jarvis or Pepper, please leave.” It was said in a tone that had never before been aimed at him, it hurt, a lot. But he knew Tony, and he knew he was just protecting himself; he couldn’t fault him for that. 

He wanted to touch Tony one last time, he didn’t want things to end like this between them, but his touch would not be well received right now, he knew that. Without another option he left forcing himself to keep going, to not look back. The feeling of emptiness that settled in his being more persistent than it's ever been.

That memory was more vivid than ever. Tony’s beautiful hurt eyes, Tony’s acceptance, Tony’s love, he remembered it all every day. The pain of the memory made Steve come back to himself, his lungs burned; it meant he had been running for hours. These days he seems to yearn and lose himself more in the past than ever, even after he had just woken up in this new century.

Bucky and him started living together almost immediately after they had slept together, it was nice but it wasn’t at all how he thought it would be. It definitely wasn’t like when he was living with Tony. For starters, it was embarrassing to admit they hadn’t been able to have sex since that first time and can’t seem to be able to stop rubbing each other the wrong way. 

Steve got used to taking care of people in this century, he got used to it really fast, Bucky doesn’t’ allow him to take care of him, Bucky’s the one who takes care of Steve, it’s always been like that, period. Steve’s cellphone rang; pulling him away from his thoughts, it was sad to admit that waiting for a mission had become the most exciting part of his days. He wouldn’t have to dwell in his problems anymore, at least for today. He had a mission.

Bucky and Natasha met him at SHIELD headquarters, ready for the mission; it was always the three of them. They knew how the other worked; they were called the perfect team. There was a rumor around SHIELD that they could actually read each other’s minds that’s why they worked so well. But that was not the case, there was no secret, they were just familiar with each other and trusted one another. Natasha has been cold towards him since he left Tony, Steve didn’t even try to explain himself. He didn’t blame her. Not when he was so mad at himself too, so full of regrets and jealousy that Natasha got to see Tony on a daily basis and not him. At least he was happy for Tony to have someone like Natasha being so protective of him. That was the best reassurance he could have of Tony’s well-being because he didn’t dare ask.

Bucky acted just like he always did while they were on a mission, on the job Steve was Captain America and Bucky the winter soldier, there was a little banter sure, but the mission came first. There was no place or time to act like a couple. Not like they ever did though, it was like they were incapable of acting as more than best friends, even in the privacy of their home. They loved each other obviously but were they in love with each other? Steve asked himself every day. Noticing Bucky’s side long glances to Natasha and not even caring should have clued him in.

“Damn it Steve, we can’t keep going like this” Yelled Bucky frustrated, Steve knew Bucky was reaching his limit. Hell! He was frustrated too, all the orgasms he had gotten in the past four months had been thanks to his right hand and the memories of his ex, he thought with shame. This had been the seventh time they have tried to have sex in two months; it was awkward when it hadn’t been that first time. He didn’t get it. To be honest, somewhere along the way it had started to feel as if he was trying to have sex with his brother.

“Bucky, I’m trying” Steve said trying to convey the emotions to Bucky, make him see that he really was, it just… Bucky’s eyes softened, sighed and put his hand on Steve’s hair caressing it a bit “I know you are, I’m sorry”. Bucky raised himself from the bed until he was sitting, his expression turned serious, Steve knew what was coming.

“Do you love me?” asked Bucky.

Steve’s eyes widen, ok, that was not what he had been expecting. 

“Of course I do! I love you! How can you ask that?” Steve was honestly befuddled, he knew the relationship hadn’t been working, but for Bucky to doubt his love for him…

Bucky looked at him with that face, the face he did when he thought Steve was being deliberately dense, after searching his face for a moment longer, he sighed with exasperated fondness

“Stop whatever you’re thinking right now punk, I know you love me. But, are you in love with me Steve?”

Steve should have expected that, had been expecting that question actually for moths but he still wasn’t prepared he felt as if the breath had been punched out of him. 

“I…” He hesitated.

Did he love Bucky? Yes. Was he in love with him? He had thought that he was, for a time. But he didn’t feel like he was in love with him. Bucky was important to him, he was an essential part of his life. He will always be his family. The only family he has left, the only link to the past. He needed Bucky that much was obvious. But he realized now, after reflecting on his feelings this past six months, that he probably never loved Bucky, not in that way, the way a person love their lover, their soul mate. 

The flutter in his stomach, the so called butterflies, he had felt them only three times in his life. Once when he got kissed by the girl he liked when he turned 14. The second time had been when Peggy told him she was waiting for the right partner, seeing that spark on her eyes fixed on him, flipped his stomach in a way that not even the kiss had. And the third time had been with Tony, when he smiled at him, yawning after a long day, fighting with his bots, sassing with Jarvis and just watching him sleep, his eyelids moving along with his dreams. When he had been with Tony he had been in a constant state of dizziness. And he hadn’t minded one bit. 

With Tony, he had wanted him close all the time, he wanted to be the first person Tony saw in the mornings, the last person he saw before going to sleep, the person who made him laugh and getting the wrinkles around his chocolate eyes to dance. He loved touching Tony, he couldn’t get enough. And it didn’t have to be sexual, just holding his hand or caressing his hair made him feel as the luckiest man in the world. 

With Bucky he had never felt that fluttery sensation, he felt warm and happy to have him there, but Steve didn’t need him close all the time. He only needed to know he was happy and fine, that was enough. And apart from those friendly hugs after a mission he didn’t feel the need of touching him all the time. They had clearly misunderstood these feelings; they loved each other but with a fraternal love, a love that was eternal and beautiful. Whatever they had mistaken for attraction had burned out that first time they slept together, they got lost in each other out of need of reassurance that they were both alive and well. And they were getting tired of each other because they were trying to force feelings that were not there, feelings that already belonged to another.

Maybe if they still had been in the 40’s, maybe if nothing had changed. They would have eventually fallen in love with each other, but not anymore, not when so much time has passed, not when they had changed so much, they had been trying to hold on to the past, to “used to be’s” to whatever they used to feel, when it probably hadn’t even been the kind of love they had led themselves to believe.

He loved Bucky, he needed him but because he was the only family he had left, he would always be there for him, to protect him, to support him just as he knew Bucky would do for him. He was his brother, Steve would kill for him, he loved him so much but he was definitely not in love with him. He only wished he had realized that before he left Tony, before he hurt him so much.

Steve realized Bucky was still waiting for his answer, “No, I’m not in love with you. I’m so sorry”. He blurted guiltily and looked down unable to meet Bucky’s eyes. Bucky surprised him by letting out a guffaw which made him forget about his guilt and looked up at him with concerned eyes.

“Thank fuck for that Steve, I mean, If we had to go through trying to have sex once again I would have flipped the fuck out it’s been awkward as hell!” Seeing the mirth and jest in Bucky’s eyes, he knew they would be okay. Just like that everything felt almost right in his life, it felt like it should have always been between them, the weight he had been carrying all this months seemed to lift.

“You’re a jerk. Why am I friends with you again?” He said smiling teasingly. 

“Because you love me” Bucky answered him easily. And he did.

*

Steve knew now with certainty that he was in love with Tony, loud, obnoxious Tony who came like a wrecking ball crashing into his life, refusing to be ignored. And who he knew would be giving him a hard time for quoting Miley Cyrus and knowing it, Tony who had a heart of gold and a will of iron. He had taught Steve to live again, to enjoy this century, to long for a new day, to yearn for adventure and the simple things in their life. No-one would ever believe him it was, in fact, a billionaire that made him enjoy life. He couldn’t believe how stupid he had been at not realizing how far gone he was for Tony before.  


It didn’t matter anymore, feeling sorry for himself would take him nowhere, Steve had fucked up, he was aware of it. But he was ready to do whatever was necessary to get Tony back as Captain America but even more as Steve Rogers.

Fin

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for bothering to read!


End file.
